Adventures in the Human Zoo
by ToothPasteCanyon
Summary: Dipper and Mabel are abducted by aliens. May contain spoilers from the trailer of 'Lars of the Stars'
1. Chapter 1

FRONT PORCH CAMERA

MYSTERY SHACK

11:57 AM

23/7/17

SUNDAY

"Listen to this, Mabel. Mabel?" Dipper looked up from the magazine he was reading. "You're... sticking gummy worms up your nose. Is this a bad time?"

"Hardly! Into my nose, into my nose!"

He cleared his throat. "Okay then. Well, listen to this! So the police are investigating this case about a missing person, and they traced him to a cornfield when the trail just stopped. They searched the area, and they found substances of extraterrestrial origin!"

"They searched a cornfield?" Mabel giggled. "Did they find any of your jokes? Zing!"

"Mabel, you're missing the point! Extraterrestrial origin! Aliens!" Jumping up from the couch, Dipper began to pace around the porch. "This could be the first documented case of an actual abduction! But it doesn't make sense; why would aliens be abducting humans? What could they possibly want with us?"

"Into my nose, into my- oh no, sour gummy worm! Nooo!"

"They have to be a technologically superior species to be capable of space travel, so it can't be for that... huh..." Dipper stepped over his sister writing in pain on the floor, clicking his pen. "I need to ask Great Uncle Stanford once he gets back. He used to explore that alien ship; I could ask him if he'd seen any stasis tubes, or surgery tables... yeah! That's a good idea, right Mabel?"

"Ughhhhhh..." Mabel slowly shook her head. "Sour gummies... There weren't supposed to be sour gummies..."

He sighed, making for the door. "I'll get you a tissue."

"You're the best, Dipping sauce!"

After Dipper left, the sting began to subside. Mabel sat up and spotted the magazine her brother had been reading, opened to the page about the alien abduction. She giggled at Dipper's messy additions scribbled down in red pen.

"Haha, aliens."

"Are you my dad?"

"Huh?" Mabel turned around to see a small child. A small blue child, with something blue on her cheek. "Oh my gosh, you're adorable."

The child frowned. "I am not adorable. My name is Aquamarine."

"Oh, nice to meet you! I'm Mabel and- aww, and you have a little bow on your head too!" Mabel blinked. "Did you want to get into the Mystery Shack? It's closed today; Stan's out on-"

"No. I do not want to get into that building. I need to find my dad."

"Oh no, are you lost? Where did you last see your dad?"

To her surprise, Aquamarine did not immediately respond. Instead she groaned and began massaging her temples, a gesture that looked rather strange on a small child.

At least, Mabel thought she was a small child at first. The bright blue skin was making her have second thoughts... and what was that on her cheek? Was this like a gnome situation? Please, don't let this be a gnome situation.

"Oh my stars, it's your dad again." Aquamarine spoke in the most fed up of tones. "I don't know why this is so difficult for you humans. I'm not looking for your dad, I'm looking for _my dad_! Who is your dad, anyway?"

"My dad? He's in California, but-"

Her head shot up. "And what is so special about your dad that all humans know of him?"

"Uhh... Well, he's a really great dad, but I'm like 99% sure he's not famous. I mean, everyone has a dad, so-"

Aquamarine's eyes widened in understanding. "So 'your dad' isn't actually a specific person?"

"Well, duh!" Mabel snorted, and a gummy worm fell out of her nose. "I don't know anyone weird enough to name their kid that."

"Name their kid'? What is 'name their kid'?"

Mabel raised an eyebrow; at first this little girl's questions were adorable, but now it was kind of creepy. Maybe it was Aquamarine's intense stare, or her demanding tone, or maybe it was the way she parroted back common phrases like she was saying them for the first time. Her eyes darted from the magazine talking about alien abduction to the startling blue skin colour of the little girl, and she took a step backward.

"Well... uh..."

"Come on, spit it out!" Aquamarine clapped her white-gloved hands. "I don't have all day, you know!"

Mabel kept inching towards the door. "You know what? Haha, funny story, I left... cookies, in the oven! This has been a great talk and I'd love to stay but, you know, the house is probably burning down and I should go now bye!"

"Stop right there!" Before she could make it through the door, she was suddenly surrounded by a blue light and left thrashing in the air. Aquamarine flicked the little blue wand in her hand, and Mabel was brought closer.

So this wasn't a gnome thing, this was more like a Gideon thing.

Great. Just great.

"It's become obvious to me that you organics and your little language quirks are simply too convoluted for me to bother with; I have better things to do, places to get back to." She paced around Mabel with a deep scowl, one hand behind her back. It was amazing how little she resembled the adorable child Mabel had first taken her for. "So from now on, you'll be my guide. Maybe then I can finally be done with this Gem-forsaken mission. Topaz!"

"Guide?" Mabel did not like the sound of that. "No way! Put me down, you buttface!"

"I order you to be quiet!" Aquamarine twisted her head towards the forest. "Topaz! What's taking you so long?"

While her back was turned, a little creak from the door caught Mabel's attention. It was Dipper! Her brother dashed for the couch, grabbed the baseball bat stored in the cushions and charged right at Aquamarine, knocking her right off the porch.

"Woo! Home run, Dipper!" Mabel cheered, but then the blue light dissipated around her and she fell on her face. "I'm okay!"

Dipper reached out a hand, and she took it. "That's a relief. Here's your tissue, by the way."

"You're the best, bro bro!"

"Thanks, but..." He motioned to Aquamarine, who was sitting up with a groan. She raised her wand, only to see it break apart in her hands. "Who is that? What do they want with you?"

"Who am I?" Aquamarine stood up, backing away and stabbing a finger at Dipper. "Oh, you'll be sorry that you didn't know. Topaz! Get over here _now_!"

There came a rustling sound from the woods. Birds squawked and took to the skies. A large shadow appeared in the bushes, and then it stepped into the light.

Dipper and Mabel took one look at Topaz, and linked hands.

"There you are, Topaz!" Aquamarine sprouted wings and flew - rather quickly, one might notice - up onto her shoulder. "What took you so long? While you were dawdling, that human with the stick came over and assaulted me!"

Dipper quailed under Topaz's glare. He dropped the bat. "Mabel, what do we do?"

"Uh, uh... I dunno! Grunkle Stan and Soos aren't here!"

"That's a giant alien! How are they supposed to be any help?!"

"I dunno!"

Meanwhile, Aquamarine was flying again, motioning to Dipper and Mabel. "You know the drill, Topaz. And this time, try to be a little faster, okay?"

Topaz began running towards the twins, faster than any human, and Dipper panicked. "Get to the vending machine! Maybe that'll hold them!"

They turned and made a dash for it, but Topaz got them before they could even make it inside. All of a sudden they were surrounded in a yellow light, and it was moving them, and they were getting farther away - they strained and strained to keep holding hands, but they were torn apart - and then it solidified.

Now, Mabel found herself sticking out sideways from Topaz's thigh. She shook her hair out of her face, and looked around. "Dipper? Dipper!"

"Mmph!" There he was, on Topaz's chest! His mouth had been absorbed by her body, and his hat was laying discarded on the floor. His eyes were wide as saucers, and his one free hand was furiously beating on Topaz, to no avail.

"Dipper!" Mabel stretched out her hands, but she couldn't quite reach him.

"Aww, look at that." Aquamarine was peering down at them from the top of Topaz's head. "Not so strong without that stick of yours, are you?"

"Mmmph!"

"Topaz, take them back to the ship." She grinned down at the twins, and Mabel wondered how she had ever mistaken her for a child. "I'll deal with them there."

Dipper and Mabel exchanged glances as Topaz began to move. This wasn't like the gnome situation, or like a fight with Gideon. This wasn't like anything they'd ever come up against before.

This was new, and it was terrifying.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't until Mabel caught sight of a dark blue, teardrop-shaped ship looking rather out of place in the woods that it hit her: they were being abducted by actual aliens. From space. And if they went to space, how were they going to get back?

This only made her struggle harder. She tried so hard to free herself from... whatever Topaz was, but it was like trying to swim in concrete. Dipper wasn't faring any better - try as he might, his one noodle arm was not going to break him out any time soon.

"Mmph! Mmmph!" A trickle of sweat ran down her brother's face as the door opened. "Mmmmph!"

"Will you be quiet!" Aquamarine snapped, and Dipper... he tried his best. Mabel reached for him again, and even though they couldn't quite touch each other, it was a comfort to know they weren't facing this alone.

Now that was a terrifying thought.

They stepped inside, and Mabel shuddered at a sudden rush of cold. The entire ship was lit with an ominous blue light that seemed to suck the colour out of everything it touched, leaving only dull shadows. Even her sweater wasn't bright enough to contend.

Aquamarine flew up, up, until she landed on a chair and glared down at them from on high. "Now, it's time to deal with you two. Topaz, separate!"

Topaz started to glow again, and suddenly Mabel found herself in the arms of a much smaller Topaz. She looked over to Dipper and found him being held by another Topaz."What is going on here?"

"Hey!" Aquamarine stabbed a finger at her. "From now on, you will only talk when I ask you questions about humans. And as for the other one..."

Dipper strained away as Aquamarine flew right up to his face. "Wha-what are you gonna do?"

"Do you see this, human?" Aquamarine opened her fist to reveal her broken wand, mangled and discoloured. "This was a piece of technology bestowed on me by Blue Diamond herself, as a mark of my superiority. It was worth far more than your life."

He gulped. "Uh... sorry?"

"Oh, no need to apologise. I just wanted you to know the full extent of what you did before I ordered Topaz to crush your delicate human skull in."

"What?!"

Aquamarine floated back a little, and waved her hand dismissively. "Topaz, you know what to do."

Mabel watched in horror as the Topaz holding Dipper abruptly dropped him on the ground. Before he could even think of escaping she had one knee on his back, and her hand clasped around his head like she was holding an egg - ready to crack it.

Her brother's terrified eyes looking into hers struck a special kind of horror within her. She struggled, harder than ever, screaming, "No, no, no, stop! Please!"

"Oh?" Aquamarine rolled her eyes at Mabel's protests. "And why should I do that? He broke my wand!"

"Because... Because..." Mabel's eyes flitted between her brother, Topaz, and Aquamarine. "Because Dipper is my dad!"

There was a long silence, broken by Dipper's, "What?"

"Dipper is a my dad?" Aquamarine looked a little less than convinced. "That's awfully convenient."

Mabel was trying so hard not to look at Dipper's expression; she couldn't afford to start laughing now. "Well, there's lots of them! Remember how I told you, everyone has a dad? Well, Dipper... he's... well, he's my dad! And you got him right here, so why bother getting a new one, haha, right? Please."

"Hmm, then all I would need to do is drop him off at the Zoo, and I can finally go back to Homeworld." Aquamarine frowned, deep in thought for a few seconds before she finally sighed. "Fine. Topaz, set a course for the Human Zoo; I'm done with this planet."

The bit about a Human Zoo caught Mabel's attention, but she was too busy breathing a massive sigh of relief as Topaz picked her brother up off of the floor. He was safe. They were safe. And for the moment, nothing else mattered.

Both Topazes fused back together, and Mabel groaned at the familiar feeling of being trapped in their body again. That was not something she'd missed.

"Hey, Mabel." A hand touched her shoulder, and she looked over to see Dipper grinning at her from behind. "Thanks for the save."

There was no witty remark. Mabel just whipped around and hugged her brother, tears staining his shoulder, and they stayed like that for a while.

Eventually... "My back hurts."

Dipper made a face. "Yeah, that doesn't look too comfortable, the whole turning around thing." He paused. "And I'm just wondering, about the 'dad' thing..."

"It's a long story."

"Figures." He looked around, taking stock of their position: somewhat awkwardly sticking out of Topaz's chest, who seemed to be piloting the ship. "Oh, look, space."

"Haha, space!" Mabel blinked. "Space..."

"Space! We're in space!" Dipper looked to his sister. "Uh, just how far away is this Human Zoo supposed to be?"

"Really far from Gravity Falls, that's for sure! Grunkle Stan's gonna be worried sick!"

* * *

"Kids! Kids! You'll never believe why the bank called me in!" Grunkle Stan burst through the door, covered from head to toe in red ink. "One of those fancy computers they have thought I was committing fraud!"

Soos frowned. "But Mr Pines, you do commit fraud."

"Yeah, but buying a boat to sail around the world? That was legitimate - goody-two-shoes Sixer wouldn't have it any other way." He was still chuckling as he set down a briefcase with weirdly coloured money sticking out of the edges. "That's what I get for trying to be an honest man. Anyway, I told those weirdos down at the bank to shove their nose out of my business, and then I stole their cash. Some dye or whatever exploded on the way home, but hey, money's money, right?"

Stan waited for an answer from the twins, but none was forthcoming. He frowned. "Kids? Ah, they must be off mystery hunting or whatever." He looked down at his suit. "Welp, time to see if this washes off. I'll stick it on an attraction if it doesn't - it's about time we switched it up with the Sas-crotch, right Soos?"

"Wow, that is an amazing idea, Mr Pines. A bank-robbing Sas-crotch!"

"What? No, I meant, you know, tilt him over-"

"A sleeping bank-robbing Sas-crotch?"

"No, you're missing the point. This has nothing to do with bank robberies!"

"Ohhhhh... But wait, then how do you explain the red dye?"

Stan pinched his nose. "No, it's- ugh, forget it. I'll try and explain it to you later, when I don't look like I got vandalised by a teenager."

He headed into his bedroom, grumbling as he tossed his ruined jacket in a pile of clothes that might, one day, get washed. He turned on the facet in his bathroom, running his reddened hands under the water.

" _Mr Pines_!"

Stan jumped out of his skin, spraying water all over himself. "Soos?"

"Mr Pines! Come, quickly!" There was an edge of panic to his voice, something that made Stan straighten, turn and run for the stairs. "On the porch!"

"What's the matter, Soos?" Stan stepped outside, looking around. "Some kind of monster from the woods?"

"No, but look! There's Dipper's hat! The dude never goes anywhere without it."

Stan frowned, and picked up something else sitting on the floor. "And my bat..." He clenched it, knuckles going white as he noticed subtler, scarier details. A bag of gummy worms strewn across the porch. One of his nephew's magazines laying face down, open, abandoned. A footprints pressed into the wooden planks, far bigger than any human's.

Something had happened to Dipper and Mabel, his grandchildren, his family, while he was away.

"What do we do, Mr Pines?"

Stan turned to glare at the security camera hidden away in the corner of the roof. "First, we're gonna find out whoever - or whatever - did this. We're gonna get Dipper and Mabel back, and then, they're gonna pay. Call up my brother, Soos! Whatever nerdy thing he's working on can wait."

Soos fixed his hat. "On it, Mr Pines!"


	3. Chapter 3

Stanford rushed through the Mystery Shack door, slamming the door behind him. "Stanley? What's going on? Soos sounded very panicked on the phone... something about Dipper and Mabel?"

"You're here!" Stan was down the stairs in an instant. "These security tapes, you gotta check them out-"

"Why are you covered in a dye? Stanley, don't tell me you robbed a bank."

"Why is that the first conclusion everyone jumps to? But, ugh, nevermind, that's not important right now."

"What are you talking about? Of course-"

"Dipper and Mabel got abducted, Stanford!"

Stanford's eyes widened, then set into a hard line. "Show me the tapes."

They watched the tapes over and over again - Mabel's conversation with the small blue one, Dipper's hit with the baseball bat, the yellow one turning into light and capturing them - until they could recite every line, predict every move before it happened. Stan and Soos kept glancing at Stanford, who was watching the tape with an unreadable expression.

Eventually, Stan cleared his throat. "Well? You, uh, ever seen these two before?"

"No." Stanford said, and his brother winced; that did not bode well. "As far as I can determine, these creatures seem to be some sort of gemstone-based extraterrestrial, with technology far superior to our own."

Soos nodded, taking out his phone. "That has a lot of big words in it, so it must be true."

"What do we do, Sixer?"

"It's been a few hours since Dipper and Mabel have been taken. They could easily be in space, or on the other side of the planet, looking for this person they've mistaken as 'my dad'."

"So, we find 'em!"

"That's just the problem, Stanley. They've given us nothing to work on in terms of location."

"Well... then we'll search the forest! Maybe they haven't made it to space yet - Dipper and Mabel were really giving those aliens a run for their money."

Ford shook his head, tapping his six fingers against a bookshelf. "We'd just be wasting our time: it's dark outside, and the woods are massive. No, what we need is to find out what exactly these Gem-creatures are and what star system they occupy; I'll try again at translating those ancient texts I recovered from the alien ship."

"Uh, dudes?"

Stan raised an eyebrow, ignoring Soos. "That's your plan?"

"Well, yes. They should give some indication as to the location-"

"Yeah, yeah, more of your nerdy technobabble. What I want to know is how long this little research project is gonna take! These aliens, they aren't just gonna wait around with Dipper and Mabel until we find out how to get them back."

"Dudes, I think-"

"It'll take until I've found the information I need."

"So you don't know, do you?"

"Stanley, I-!" Ford slammed his fist into the shelf, then sighed. "You have to understand. They're my niece and nephew too; if I thought there was a faster way, I would have already suggested it. But I'm working with an alien race I have scarcely heard of before today; some research will be necessary!"

"Agh... I know, Ford." Stan looked down. "I was just hoping, you know, with everything you studied... Jeez, how are we gonna get them back?"

"Mr Pineses, I think I know!"

Both Stans turned to Soos. "What?"

"Look at this: I just typed in 'Gem aliens' into the internet, and all these results started popping up. They look kinda like the aliens in the tape, don't they?"

"Let me see that!" Ford raised an eyebrow at the screen. "How did you get this into your phone?"

"By the power of the internet!"

"The... internet? I think I might have heard of it..."

"You don't use the internet? Wow, dude, I don't even know how to explain it... Like all the books and the movies and the video games and the angry people in the world all mixed together. Did I get that right? Pretty sure I'm missing something..."

"That sounds fascinating, but we need to focus." Ford scrolled down a blog post for 'Keep Beach City Weird'. "This doesn't strike me as a particularly reliable source."

"But look at all those photos!" Soos pointed at one of a green hand coming from the sky. "That might be their ship, invading Earth!"

Stan crossed his arms. "If it's that big, we might as well take a look in the woods."

"We won't be needing any search parties, Stanley. Thanks to the internet, we've got a lead." He straightened, and made for the door. "There's not a moment to waste! Let's drive to the nearest airport and get on the first plane to... what state was it, again?"

"Delmarva!"

"Delmarva? That's a state? When did that happen?"

Stan cleared his throat. "Hey Sixer, there's another problem... I might have gotten you banned from airplanes."

"So in the thirty years I'm gone, this internet invention took off, a new state was made, aliens invaded the planet, and I've been banned from airplanes? And nobody thought to tell me about any of this?"

"Eh, it never came up."

Ford pinched his nose. "Just get in the car, Stanley."


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Dipper," Mabel poked at her brother, who had, until that moment, been deep in thought. "I know that look. So what's the escape plan?"

"Wha- Mabel, shhh!"

"Why? It's not like Aquamarine and Topaz are listening."

"How do you know that?"

"You've been muttering to yourself for the past however long we've been here. I'm pretty sure one of them would've said something by now." Her expression changed to a frown. "Trust me, it was very annoying."

Dipper raised an eyebrow, and twisted around to look at Topaz. "Uh... hello? Can you hear us?"

If Topaz was listening, she was doing a remarkable job of ignoring it.

"Huh, I guess she can't."

"So, bro bro, what's the plan? Does it involve glitter? Backflips? Both? Or, or, how about my grappling hook!" She tugged at the handle, just sticking out of Topaz's body. "Uh, maybe not the grappling hook. Still, glitter and backflips! There's a plan there somewhere."

"Haha... well, I have a few ideas." He sighed. "But none of them work while we're trapped in this body. And I honestly have no idea how we're getting back to Earth."

"Oh..." Mabel seemed to deflate somewhat. "Well, eanna play a game of Eye Spy while we wait? I spy something yellow!"

"Uh, Topaz?"

"Yep! Your turn!"

"I spy... something small and white."

"Oooh, Dipper! I know! Is it a star?"

"Yes. It's a star. There's really not a whole lot to go on, I spy wise."

"Oh yeah? Well, I spy something big and blue!"

Dipper's head shot up. "Big and blue?! The Earth?"

"No, no, it's the ship!" Mabel pulled a face when her brother sank back, that burst of hope fading from his eyes. "Sorry, Dipper. I thought, you know, big blue ship, that would be a guess?"

"No, I get it. I get it."

"Well... it's your turn!"

"Actually, I'm not in the mood anymore."

Mabel's smile stretched. "Then I'll go again! I spy... whoa."

"What did you spy?"

"Dipper, I spy something pink! Really, really pink!"

"Something pink? What are you talking about?" Dipper pushed himself up to look out the window, and his eyes widened.

There, orbiting that planet. It was indeed really really pink, and oddly shaped - sort of like a dagger with a ring around the middle. A strange red eye orbiting the station turned and focused on their ship as they approached.

"Whoa." Dipper had never seen anything like it in his life; it was alien technology, all right. "Is that the human zoo?"

"We're here! The human zoo!" Aquamarine floated down from wherever she had previously been, and the twins fell silent. "Now all we need to do is deliver the prisoners, and it's back to Homeworld with me! Finally." She clasped her hands behind her back, staring at the human zoo as it approached. "Why Blue Diamond wants you humans in the first place is simply beyond my understanding, but who am I to question her?"

Dipper frowned. "Who's Blue Diamond?"

Aquamarine shot him a look; for half a second she looked like she was about to do something horrible, but then her glare dissolved into laughter. "Haha, you actually don't know who Blue Diamond is? Wow. I pity you. I wish I had time to explain, but do you know what? You're not my problem anymore."

They were fast approaching the zoo; a diamond-shaped hole appeared in the side, and Topaz steered them through. Mabel squinted at the brightly lit area they had arrived in, so very different from the darkness of space.

"And there's Holly Blue Agate." Aquamarine rolled her eyes and waved her hand at Topaz. "I don't want to talk to her again. Just get them over there, and be quick about it."

Topaz pressed a button and stood up, turning to face the back of the ship as it started to open. She split apart again, and Mabel managed to catch her grappling hook before it fell to the ground. She grinned and tucked it into her sweater as they walked out of the ship.

They may not have a plan, but they still had a grappling hook.

"Aquamarine!" Mabel and Dipper looked up to see a large blue person – Holly Blue Agate, presumably – approaching them, a wide smile on her face. She was making something with her hands, some diamond-shaped gesture. "It is an honor to welcome one of Blue Diamond's personal court back to the human zoo! Are these the new arrivals?"

Both Topazes just nodded. Holly stood there for a second, smile frozen on her face, and then began to look around.

"Ahem… where is Aquamarine? I would think she would want to present these personally to me. And perhaps she would be in the mood for another tour of the facilities? I know the last time was cut short by an important mission, and…"

The two set Mabel and Dipper down, one firm hand on their shoulders, and stared at Holly expectantly.

Holly sighed. "Very well. I suppose not everyone is assigned to such a low-activity, unimportant post as mine, surrounded by these… Amethysts from Earth. Really, I'd much rather some Topazes such as yourself. No chatter, no nonsense, no disobedience. I'm sure you two could guard this zoo by yourself! I simply must tell Aquamarine-"

There came a sharp rapping sound from the ship. Both Gems shoved the twins towards Holly and began to walk away.

"Oh, you're leaving so soon? Well… give my thanks to Aquamarine!" She grabbed Dipper and Mabel a little too tightly around the arms, and Mabel let out a squeak of pain. "Now, where are my Amethyst guards? I shouldn't have to be touching these things! Amethysts!"

Dipper shared a glance with his sister as the sound of rumbling footsteps approached. Four- no, five- no, six- a lot of purple Gems burst out of the doorway, doing that strange diamond-shape with their hands.

"We're here, Holly Blue!"

"Took you long enough!" She narrowed her eyes. "What were you up to?"

"Nothing, Holly!"

"Nothing at all? Hmph, I suppose I'll believe it for now. But if I find one thing out of place…" She moved forwards and stepped on an Amethyst's foot so hard the Gem cringed. "You'll be sorry. Now, take these two humans to the containment area."

And now they were being picked up by Amethysts. Mabel was seriously getting tired of being carried around. She frowned, rubbing her arms as the circulation came back.

"Ugh," Dipper clenched his fist. "Pins and needles."

"Me too, bro."

"What's pins and needles?" The Amethyst holding Dipper asked.

Mabel looked up at the Gem. "You don't know pins and needles? Oh, I guess you guys are like, aliens, or something. It's like a tingly feeling you get when you put too many bracelets on your arm and take them off!"

"Tingly?"

"Bracelets?" The two Amethysts looked at each other and snorted. "I don't have any idea what these newer humans are talking about."

"Weirdos." The other Amethyst placed Dipper into what seemed like a small square hole in the wall. "Anyway, in you go."

Dipper frowned. "What is-" The floor of the hole suddenly moved, and he was disappearing inside. "Mabel! Wait!"

"Dipper, Dipper! No!" Mabel struggled towards him, but the Amethyst held her tightly.

"Whoa, this tiny human's got spirit!"

From underneath her shirt, she retrieved her grappling hook. "Let me _go_!"

Mabel fired the hook right at the Amethyst's face; either from pain or surprise, the Gem dropped her. No sooner had she hit the ground, she jumped up at the hole Dipper had disappeared into. She couldn't… quite… reach it, and now the Amethysts were coming towards her and she needed to run.

The corridors were strange, pink and neverending. Behind her the Amethysts were laughing and shouting after her, and she needed some kind of escape, some corner to duck down, some door to slip in… there, on the side!

She practically leapt through the open door, then turned around to see it close behind her. Mabel, panting heavily, managed a little fist pump.

"Made it." Mabel hugged her grappling hook. "Thanks, old friend."

She then jumped at a banging sound from the other side of the door. "Did she seriously… Oh my stars, this is not good! Open it, 8XJ!"

"Can't. It won't let Amethysts inside."

"Well, that's just perfect! What are we gonna do now? Arghhh, why didn't you grab her when she was running away?"

"I didn't think she'd get that far! Besides, why are you blaming me? You're the clod who dropped her!"

As the Amethysts argued, Mabel stepped back from the door and took a good look at the room she'd run into. It was… huge, with tall pillars extending into a domed glass ceiling which looked out into space. A cloud of little pink bubbles floated far above her head.

"Whoa," Mabel reached her arms up; yup, she definitely could not reach them. "And look at that door! It's like someone went crazy with the growing crystals!"

"Hey, tiny human!" The Amethysts were banging on the door again. "You gotta get out of there! We'll, um… ugh, you can't open the door, but if you make your way to the big one-"

"No way!" Mabel crossed her arms. "I just got free from you guys; I'm not letting you catch me again!"

"Tiny human-"

"My name's Mabel!"

"Tiny Mabel, you can't stay in that room! It's too dangerous!"

"Yeah, right. I'm not falling for that!" Mabel grinned. "I'm staying here where you can't get me, and I'm gonna figure out how to escape!"

The Amethysts on the other side groaned, but then the voice of Holly Blue Agate cut into the conversation. "You two! What are you doing there?! I didn't tell you to guard this door!"

"Um… uh…"

"Stop mumbling and get to your stations already, you useless quartzes! I tell you, I met with two Topaz soldiers today, and you Amethysts could have learned something from them. They follow orders, for a start." A pause. "What are you waiting for? Get out of here!"

Mabel had darted behind one of the pillars when she heard Holly start talking, and she was glad she did so; as the sound of footsteps died off, the door opened and Holly Blue herself leaned inside. With a suspicious, critical eye she took a look around the room and, seeing nothing out of order, looked up at the floating pink bubbles. Her mouth curled in a sneer, and she walked out, shutting the door behind her.

Mabel let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. Now, to save Dipper and get the heck out of here!"

She may not have a plan, but she still had a grappling hook.


	5. Chapter 5

The floor moved beneath Dipper, and he fell on his face. He scrambled up just in time to see the entrance – and Mabel's face – disappear into darkness.

"Mabel! Wait!" He ran towards that darkness, but the floor was moving so fast and it was so hard to keep balanced- and he slipped and fell on his face again. "Mabel…"

Dipper clenched his fists and made to get up again, but now there were these little glowing rods floating around him. He stared at them, but before he could do anything they set off a bright flash.

"Whoa." He was still seeing the flash in his eyelids when one of them stuck itself into his mouth. He spat it out. "Pft, what's going on? Hello?"

After a few more seconds of random poking and shoving, the rods floated away from him and formed some sort of screen, with a picture of his face and some text. The realization dawned on him. "They're… documenting me?" It faded away, and two of the rods latched onto his hat and carried it away. "Hey, wait!"

Then they made off with his jacket, and his shirt and… he could see where this was going. Oh, this was just perfect. No home, no sister, no clothes. What were they going to take away from him next? The suspense was simply killing him.

Something came down over him, and when it came back up in a breath of steam, he was wearing a warm, soft jacket and… a loincloth. "What the- new clothes? Ow, my ears!"

He was being moved into a small, pink room. Finally, the floor slowed to a halt. "Alright, so this is some sort of zoo. I guess this is my cell now, right? Great."

As if the aliens were trying to prove him wrong just one more time, floodgates opened and water came pouring forth into the room, sweeping him off his feet. He gasped for air and fought against the force of the water as it dragged him down, down, deeper into darkness.

And then, light. Dipper coughed and struggled to his feet, faintly registering the feeling of sunlight on his face and sand between his toes. He blinked hard, his eyes slowly adjusting to the bright, sunny, sandy paradise he had found himself in.

"This… this is the Zoo?" He staggered onto the beach. "Mabel? Are you there? Mabel!"

A rustle in the bushes made Dipper start. His hand went to his vest – which had just been stolen by the little fingers. No vest, no tools, no journal, nothing. Dipper crossed his fingers. "Please be Mabel, please be Mabel, please be- dammit."

It just wasn't his lucky day.

"Ah!" A tall, similarly-clothed person emerged from the bushes, beaming like the sun. "I thought I heard the voice of someone new! Welcome!"

Dipper blinked. "Who are-"

"Another new one?" More people in identical clothing and earrings were emerging out of the bush. "Hello! It is so nice to meet you!"

"What is your name? I'm Y-8."

"I love your hair! Can I braid it, please?"

This was somehow creepier than the Gems.

"I'm, um, Dipper." Dipper stepped back from the group of overly friendly strangers. "Who are you guys, exactly?"

"Haha, I can hear in your voice that you are nervous!" One person shook his head. "The other new one is too. There is no need to be scared, this is home now! We are family!"

"Family. Riiight." He frowned. "Wait, there's another new person? Mabel?"

"No… he did not call himself Mabel." The person said, and Dipper's heart sank. "I think he called himself a Lars of sorts. Very nervous, won't come out of the tree."

Dipper sighed. "I see where he's coming from."

"Do not be nervous, Depper!" A hand on his shoulder, another smiling face. "You will like it here, I'm sure! The Little Voice makes sure we have lots of fun!"

"Little… Voice? Wait, Depper?"

At that moment, all the people's earrings lit up, and a pleasant voice seemed to speak directly in his ear.

 _It is time to start the Routine! Come and eat in the forest, everyone!_

Dipper felt his ears; he had earrings too. The Gems, they'd tagged him, like some kind of animal at a… Zoo. A Human Zoo.

Dipper watched as everyone smiled and happily did what the voice told them; heck, one of them was even skipping. They waved him over.

Dipper looked behind him, at the water. Were they watching him now? He imagined crowds of Gem aliens staring at him from behind some hidden glass. They wanted him to go and eat; what would happen if he didn't?

"Come on, Depper! We will show you!"

With extreme reluctance, he turned back to the forest. Every fluffy bush, every leafy tree, every flower just screamed 'hidden camera' to him. Still, he took a step forwards, towards that forest.

"I'm coming."

* * *

It was five o'clock in the morning. Stanley's car sped down the interstate at several tens of miles above the speed limit, traffic laws be damned – not an unusual thing for this particular car to do. The unusual part was the driver.

"Uh, hey, Fordsie," Stanley said to his brother, gripping his seatbelt with white knuckles. "You sure you don't want me to drive? You seem a little... worked up."

"I'm fine."

They zoomed past a car on the right, and it took all his courage not to flinch. "Are you sure?"

"We're almost there." His hands tightened on the steering wheel. "There's no reason to stop."

Stan begged to differ, but he decided not to argue the point. "Alright. Just checking. I'll, um, keep an eye out for speeding cameras."

Soos was in the back, snoring. Stan was impressed; he'd slept in some strange places, but-

"Watch out for that car!"

Tires squealed as they switched lanes. "I was watching it, Stanley. Honestly, I've been in a car with you before. You aren't exactly the most cautious driver!"

"Yeah, but I can trust me to not get myself killed! Have you even slept since we left Gravity Falls?"

"I'm not going to get you killed, Stanley."

"I didn't say you were gonna get me killed, I said-"

"Stanley. Keep your voice down, I can't concentrate."

Stanley shot his brother a glare, but when he spoke again, he was quieter. "So what's our plan? Assuming we don't all die in a horrible car crash before we get there."

"Well, first of all, we scope out the area. The web log Soos found was valuable, but ultimately unreliable."

"There's an understatement."

The ghost of a smile floated across Ford's face. "I've never seen the end of a relationship documented in such painful detail before now."

"Yeah. Yeesh." Stan crossed his arms. "And then what?"

"Oh, yes. Anyway, once we've scoped out the area, we'll be able to figure out a plan to capture and interrogate one of these Crystal Gems. From what I've seen, they possess a physical strength far outstripping any human's, so we will have to find a way to overcome that. Not to mention…" He yawned. "…far superior technology. It's going to be tough, but I'm hoping we will be able to find some sort of weakness to use against them."

"Nobody's invincible. We'll find something. We'll get'em back."

Ford sighed. "I hope so. I really do."

"We will get them back, Ford." He put a hand on his brother's shoulders. "Hey, why don't you get some sleep? We need that big brain of yours for when we get there."

"Well… fine. I'll pull over on this shoulder-"

"No, no, no, this isn't the shoulder! What are you doing?"

"What?"

"This is the passing lane! Don't slow down!"

"Wha-?" Soos jumped up. "What's going on, dudes? Are we there? Do you need me to read you more blog posts?"

Stan breathed out. "No! No, that's fine. We're not there yet. Okay sleepyhead, pull over there, that's the shoulder. Hot belgian waffles, I am never getting in a car with anyone ever again."

* * *

 _And now… it is time to sleep. See you tomorrow_!

Well, Dipper thought, watching the other humans lie down on the bushes. That was certainly... an interesting experience. They'd had him roll down hills for fun, reach his hands up to the sky, bathe in a lake, eat, and now, sleep.

And all through it these other humans had been perfectly happy, as if they'd never known anything else. They couldn't have been abducted and brought here. And if they weren't abducted, it made him wonder how long they'd been here. Since they were born? Did their parents live in the Zoo? Were they the newest in a long string of generations, stretching out for hundreds if not thousands of years, happily trapped here by the Gems? Did they ever try and escape?

It was interesting – and simultaneously horrifying – to think about. But Dipper put that aside for now; he had a mission.

The lights were out. The humans were sleeping. Hopefully, nobody was watching him as he tried to find a way to escape.

First, Dipper made his way through the forest, moving slowly so as not to disturb the sleeping humans. He arrived at the beach and waded into the water.

"Alright, I came out somewhere around here." Dipper said to himself, looking down. "So all I have to do is find the drain I came from. Then I do… something, and I get out, find Mabel and leave… somehow. Yeah… yeah! This is fine! What would Mabel say? Um… this is such a well thought out plan, Dipper! This is going to work!"

It wasn't, and she wouldn't have said that.

"Ahem… anyway."

He peered into the water; it was so clear he could see the sandy bottom with only the stars for light. Luckily for him, it was all shallow water, coming up no further than to his knees. Unluckily for him, he didn't see the drain.

Dipper took a deep breath and submerged himself. Still no drain, as far as the eye could see. Maybe it was hidden under the sand… but where?

He saw sand, sand in every direction, sand that slipped and slided around when you dug into it... and no drain.

It occurred to him that he might never escape, just like every other human that was brought here. He pushed the thought aside.

"The edge," Dipper looked at the horizon, noticing the water came to a very definitive stop not far from him. He traced this edge all the way into the forest. "The Zoo isn't that big. Maybe there's something on the edge!"

He ran to the wall at the edge of the beach, a strange, smooth, pink material. From there, he made his way into the forest, avoiding trees, stepping over bushes. Sometimes the wall became obscured, but he pressed on.

His efforts paid off.

"A door!" Dipper imitated Mabel's voice. "Good job, bro bro! Haha… I should stop doing that. Anyway, a door! I've got to open this somehow."

He pushed, but it stayed firm. It felt just like the walls: seamless and unbreakable. He couldn't even find the crack where they opened in the middle. He punched it, and it made a clear ringing sound.

It was also extremely painful.

"Ow! Agh…" Dipper rubbed his knuckles, stepping back from the door. "That was dumb. Come on, think! Why would they put a door here if you can't open it?"

Because he wasn't meant to open it, of course. The Gems had to be the only ones with access, but when did they come through here? Weekly? Daily? Ever?

There was no way to tell. And as Dipper saw the horizon lightening, he realized he was running out of time.

 _Good morning, everyone_! Said the Little Voice. _Stretch your arms and your legs. Today's Routine will begin shortly. Are you ready?_

"No, no, no, it can't be morning already! There's no way I wasted eight hours… I mean… ugh, I guess it's not the same as it is on Earth. How long are the nights here?"

As long as the Gems wanted them to be. Dipper sighed.

"This is… this is fine. I found my way out. They have to open this door at some point, so I just need to be here when they do. So, I just wait it out. Ignore the Routine, watch the door. Yeah, that's… I can do that. This is fine."

He was scared, but… also a little relieved. After being abducted by aliens, almost killed, taken to a human zoo and separated from his sister, it felt freeing to finally be doing something the Gems didn't want him to do. To decide that, no, he wasn't going to go along with the Routine. He was Dipper Pines, and he was getting out of here!

Dipper sat down on a nearby bush, his eyes locked on the closed door. His stomach rumbled, but he ignored it. "No matter how long it takes."


	6. Chapter 6

Mabel found a gummy worm stuck in her hair. This would normally gross her out, what with all the hair trailing off it, but she'd also been stuck in a big pink room, staring at bubbles and wondering how she was going to get out of this mess. All this thinking was making her hungry, so she ate it.

It didn't help much.

"Aww, come on, stomach!" Mabel said when it growled harder than ever. "I gave you food, so you're supposed to stop doing that!"

She sighed and slouched against the door. "I know. Stancakes sound pretty good right now. With maple syrup, and a cup of Mabel Juice? Haha, yes please! Yeah…"

"What is a Mabel Juice?" Someone from behind the door said, and she jumped.

"Whoa, who's- wait, is it you two purple guys again?"

One long pause. "No?"

"If you're trying to make me come out again, it's not gonna work! I'm still definitely escaping! I don't know how, but it's happening!"

"Tiny Mabel, listen to us. We know you miss the Earth – we do too - but if anyone finds you in there, it's gonna be major trouble for both of us!"

Mabel crossed her arms in a gesture of defiance. But in the time she took to realise such a gesture wouldn't be seen by the Gems behind the door, she picked up on something else. "Wait… you guys miss the Earth?"

"Yeah. We're from Earth, just like you humans!"

"Holly Blue makes sure we remember that."

A little laugh came from behind the door. "Isn't that the truth."

Mabel frowned "But wait… if you're from Earth, why are you here?"

"We got assigned to this job by Blue Diamond. And it's alright. We get to hang out in the cubby room and look at humans." A pause. "Or, at least it was, until we let a few escape. Holly Blue came down on us pretty hard after that."

"Oh."

"So that's why we need to take you back to the Zoo, Tiny Mabel! If she finds you in there, she's gonna blame us! We don't know what she'd do – no, really, we've never messed up this much before – but I'm guessing it'll be really bad! Please, Tiny Mabel!"

Mabel chewed a piece of hair as she thought it over. She really did want to escape, and she knew she'd never get a chance like this again. But she didn't want to get these guys in trouble. They sounded really scared.

From behind the door, there was some shuffling and whispering. Then they spoke to her again. "We've got to go. Holly Blue's coming this way. But, uh, think it over, okay?"

Mabel heard them walk away, their footsteps a little faster than normal. They faded off just as another set came into hearing, the sharp, distinctive march of Holly Blue Agate. Mabel listened as she got louder and louder, closer and closer… and then she stopped. What was she doing?

Wait. Oh, no, she had to _run_!

The door opened just as Mabel made it to the stairs.

"Hey, you there!"

Mabel cringed. Behind her, she could hear Holly start to run.

"Stop!"

She couldn't get caught, she couldn't get caught. Mabel looked down the side of the stairs at the huge pink pillow on the floor, and one desperate idea popped into her head. She acted, squeezing her eyes shut and throwing herself over. She was falling… falling… falling…

She landed short of the pillow, and her legs crumpled beneath her in a series of snaps. Oh, that hurt. That really, really hurt. Mabel had broken her leg once before, when she was ten and climbing a tree. That was painful, but this was worse.

She moved, and- _oh god, this was so much worse._

"Hmm. Gone." Holly's voice echoed from above as Mabel tried to suppress a scream. "No matter, Rose Quartz. I know you're here. The doors are sealed. I will find you; it's only a matter of time."

Rose Quartz? Mabel could hardly think through the sharp pain shooting up from her legs. She managed to crawl just a little further behind the pillow.

Holly Blue reached the end of the stairs, and walked forwards with slow, deliberate footsteps. Mabel peeked around the corner to see she had a long, white whip trailing behind her, crackling with electricity.

She hid again, breathing hard.

"Don't worry, Rose Quartz. I'm not going to shatter you… if I can avoid it."

This was stupid. She was stupid. How was she gonna get herself out of this mess? She couldn't move, she couldn't speak, all she had was… the grappling hook.

"Come out, and I'll just put you right back in your bubble. There's nothing for you to do anymore, nobody for you to serve."

The bubbles? Mabel looked up at all the little pink circles. Holly Blue was getting closer, her footsteps growing louder. She had to do something now.

Mabel sucked in a deep breath, and leaned forwards, raising her grappling hook in the air. She took aim at one of the closest bubbles, floating just above the stairs.

Then she fired.

The grappling hook struck the bubble, and it popped. Something small and shiny fell towards the stairs, but it slowed to a halt just before impact. Mabel watched in amazement as it began to grow, forming a large, glowing figure, before the light solidified. A large pink person with huge, curly hair and a uniform much like the Amethysts outside fell to the ground, panting.

Holly Blue's voice rang out. "There you are!"

Yes! Mabel allowed herself a little grin; her plan was working.

The Rose Quartz turned around. "Wha-"

"Thought you could hide from me, did you?" She ran up the stairs, brandishing her whip. "You'll be sorry!"

"My Agate, I don't understand-"

Holly Blue Agate lashed out, and Rose Quartz screamed. Mabel shrank back in horror, all traces of a smile gone from her face.

With a puff of smoke, the Rose Quartz disappeared. One little gemstone clattered to the floor. Holly bent down to touch it, and formed a blue bubble. She tossed it up in the air and dusted her hands off, walking back up the stairs, out of sight.

Mabel could hear her walk to the door, her footsteps echoing ever quieter in the silent room. She heard the door open, heard it close, and then she could hear no more.

That was a good thing too, because Mabel was finding it harder and harder to keep her composure. She lay back, breathing hard, tears forming in her eyes. A sob worked its way up her throat.

All she wanted was to go home. She just wanted to be in Gravity Falls again, with her Grunkle Stan and her Grunkle Ford and Soos and Wendy, and she wanted her brother with her. Dipper... She wanted to see him again, more than anything else. She didn't want to be stuck here! Everything hurt, and she was so hungry, and she was so scared, and she didn't know what to do!

Tucked away behind the huge pink pillow facing the balcony, Mabel lay still and sobbed.

* * *

Stan, Ford and Soos saw Beach City long before they arrived. The road led them across cliffs overlooking the ocean, where they could see a headland jutting out into the water. The figure of a giant woman was carved out of the front of the rock; lit by the full moon, she seemed almost ethereal in appearance.

Stan never cared much for pretty sights, but even he let out a low whistle at the sight.

"Whoa," Soos said, taking a photo. "I should submit this to Keep Beach City Weird."

"Keep driving, Stanley. We're almost there." Ford leaned forwards, putting a six-fingered hand on the back of Stan's chair. "That statue seems intriguing. We should look around that first."

"Oh, you think?"

They drove on, and the statue slowly disappeared from sight as they neared the city. No cars were on these little roads so late at night.

They reached a sign that said, 'Welcome to Beach City!' and Ford spoke up. "Stop here."

"What? Why?"

"We're a strange car driving around a small town. Somebody's bound to notice and find us suspicious."

"And three strangers walking around isn't?"

"We'll be less conspicuous."

Rolling his eyes, Stanley pulled over. "Alright. Guess we're walking."

It was a cold night, a fresh breeze rolling in from the ocean and almost carrying off Soos' hat. He kept one hand on his head as they descended, grass turning into sand, the tarmac road turning into the wooden planks of an empty boardwalk. Up ahead, they could see one hand of the giant woman stretching out from behind a hill.

"Oh, look!" Soos pointed. "A fry shop-"

"Shhhh!"

"Oh, sorry, Mr Pineses. I'll be stealthy."

As they approached the hill, Stan turned to his brother. "Are we going up or are we going around?"

"Around. I want a good look at this place."

The three kept on the sandy path, watching the cliff face grow taller and taller beside them. Ford frowned as he noticed crumbling hair curls carved into the rock.

"This place is old."

"So?"

"So, it's been around here far longer than any recent alien invasion."

Stan gave him a strange look. "What does that mean?"

"I… don't know yet. Either it's not actually affiliated with the gemstone-based aliens, or… they've been here for much longer than I previously thought."

Soos raised his eyebrows. "Dude, that's scary. I've got goosebumps all over my arms now."

He stepped back from the rock. "I just don't understand how I've never heard of this place. I've been researching things just like this for over thirty years!"

"Hey, Stanford, that's not important right now. What's important is finding the kids."

"You're…" Ford sighed. "You're right. Let's get moving!"

"Shhh!"

"Soos?" The two brothers looked over at Soos, who had kept walking as they stopped to talk. His back was to the full moon and the shadow obscured his face, but it was clear from his wild gesticulations that something was wrong.

Without making a single noise, they caught up to him. He pointed at the giant woman who had just come into view again – not at her face, or her arms, but right by the ground.

And there it was. At the base of the statue was a little house, supported by wooden stilts and resting in the palm of the statue's hand. It had a little deck out front lined with potted plants, and some stairs leading onto the beach, and a door and a window… it was so ordinary, the contrast between it and its surroundings was incredibly jarring.

Ford shook his head; he couldn't make sense of it all. "Perhaps we're searching in the wrong place. This looks like someone's built themselves a house here."

"No, dudes, it's not." Soos's voice lowered. "I saw one of them. The alien people."

"Are you sure?"

"She had a gem-thing on her forehead. And, like, she was just staring out into space. Then she went inside just as you came up! I know that sounds weird, but you gotta believe me!"

"No, no, I believe you. I just don't know why…" Ford trailed off. "Nevermind. We've found our aliens. Now we wait, and we watch."


	7. Chapter 7

Pearl walked out of her room, and was surprised to hear Steven greet her with a, 'Good morning!' She walked forwards to find him in his pajamas, sitting on his bed and playing that strange sword fighting game he liked so much.

She smiled. It had been weeks since he came back from Homeworld, but she still hadn't gotten used to just seeing him around the house, home and safe.

"Hello, Steven." Pearl paused. "So… have you had a good day?"

"Haha, I just woke up!"

She looked at the time on the microwave: ten o'clock. "Oh, right."

"I ate breakfast outside! It was really nice out, so I made pancakes with a load of syrup!"

"Oh, that sounds… interesting."

"And later, I'm going over to Sadie's for band practice! We're working out some new songs; one of them's about vampire in a job interview! I don't really understand a lot of the lyrics, but Jenny, Buck and Sour Cream say they sound really relatable. Plus, I really like my part! It's like, 'nyoo, nyoo nyoo, nyoo nyoo'- hang on, where's my guitar?"

Pearl laughed. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Steven. You know, with everything that's been going on lately, I feel like I hardly see you, haha! Hah… what are you looking at me like that for?"

"That's not funny, that's really sad." He put down his game controller. "We should do something tonight. All of us, together."

"Like what? Should I bring out the puzzle?"

"Hmm… that's a good idea, but I don't know if Amethyst would like that. What about the cooking game?"

Pearl shuddered as she remembered the almost intelligible rules and that blender dice roller. "I'd really rather not."

"Okay. Um… Card games? Wait, I don't think Peridot knows how to play any of them."

"Or what cards are, for that matter."

"That is a problem… but we can teach her! It'll be fun! Crystal Gem card games!" Next to him, a timer went off, and he started to stand up. "Oh, my clothes are done!"

"I can get them, Steven."

"Really? Thanks!"

Pearl stepped up on the warp pad and warped over to the Crystal Temple's hand, on which a washing machine, a dryer and a clothes line were placed. When she was up here, she could see for miles.

She also noticed those humans Peridot had mentioned last night, watching her from the top of the hill with binoculars. Humans were such strange creatures. She wondered what they were doing there.

The washing machine started to beep, then, and Pearl shrugged the thought off. Probably nothing important.

* * *

"Soos!" Ford whispered harshly, pulling him away from the edge. "It is of vital importance that we are not noticed by the aliens!"

"Sorry dude. I was just confused; is that space alien doing laundry?"

Stan scratched his head. "If that's not laundry, I've been doing something wrong all these years."

"I'm sure it's not laundry, Stanley. Or… if it is, it must be some attempt to blend in with the local population."

"Yeah, and living in a giant statue on a beach sure is a good way to blend in with the local population."

"Or maybe not. I don't know yet, Stanley. The point is, there must be some other explanation." Ford peeked over the fence. "Fortunately, the gemstone-based alien does not appear to have noticed us. That's a relief."

Soos twiddled his fingers. "So, uh, what now? Do we keep watching her?"

He pulled out his binoculars. "Yes. And Stanley, make sure you keep a note. 'Ten o'clock, alien spotted doing something that may or may not be laundry. Holding pink shirts in hand- multiple pink shirts. A ridiculous amount of pink shirts. Oh, and now pants. Multiple pairs of identical blue pants. Clearly the aliens have misinterpreted what the purpose of clothes are – write that down."

"Clearly… not… know… clothes… I got it, Poindexter!"

Pearl turned back to the warp pad, and disappeared in a flash of light.

"Ah, now the alien is teleporting again. That is truly fascinating, I'd love to get a piece of that blue crystal for research."

"Stanford, we-"

"I know, I know. We don't have time. But still, it's very interesting."

Soos had been watching this exchange with a rather worried expression, and he finally spoke up. "Um… Mr Pineses?"

"What is it, Soos?"

"Um… does anyone get the feeling that this is kinda… weird?"

"Dipper and Mabel've been abducted by aliens, Soos. I'd say that's kinda weird."

"No, no- I mean, yeah, that is pretty weird – but… I dunno, dudes." Soos scratched his head. "We watched that little dude eat breakfast, and then we watched that space alien do laundry, and… I dunno, I just feel like we're doing something wrong here. Any of you dudes get that? Yes? No?"

Ford raised an eyebrow. "Soos, you do realise that these are aliens, right? The same type of gemstone-based alien we saw abduct Dipper and Mabel?"

"Of course, Dr Pines."

"These aren't regular people eating breakfast and doing laundry."

"I know, Dr Pines."

"So… I'm sorry, I don't understand what point you're trying to make."

"Well…"

Stan crossed his arms. "No, no, I get what Soos is trying to say. We're definitely doing something wrong here. Look, Stanford, I know that you need to do your research or whatever, but we're not getting anywhere by sitting up here and watching them. They're clearly not doing anything interesting outside the giant statue, so if you ask me, I think we should try something more direct."

Soos frowned. "Wait, that's not what-"

"Something more direct? Stanley, did you see that yellow alien in the tapes?"

"Yeah, that one big alien would have us beat for sure. But none of the other ones we've seen even came close to that one." He scratched his chin. "We could get one alone or something. Do a surprise attack or… I dunno. You're the brains, Stanford, you could work something out."

Stanford raised an eyebrow. "Okay. Say we surprise one of them. What then?"

"What then?" Stan smiled. His smiles usually were a little wide and showed a little too much teeth, and it could be a little discomforting for those who didn't know him well. The one that crawled across his face now? Soos found it downright menacing. "We do a little research, that's what we do. We find out where they're keeping Dipper and Mabel, and how we get there."

Ford frowned at him, and then looked down at the statue. "You're suggesting we capture and interrogate one of them. That… that could work; it would certainly give us valuable information about what we're dealing with."

"Yeah, it'd be way faster too! The less time Dipper and Mabel have to spend with those aliens, the better."

"You're certainly right there."

"Wait, wait, dudes." Soos fiddled with his hat. "I don't know about this; I mean, they just look like they're living their lives, you know? And the blog says-"

"Can it, Soos. I don't want to hear about that stupid blog." Stan leaned on the fence. "So, are we doing this?"

"You do have a point, Stanley. We're certainly not getting anywhere with my method; not fast enough, that is." He put away his binoculars. "Alright, let's do it. I'll make a plan."

"And I'll get the weapons." Stan fished in his pocket and tossed his keys to Soos. "Soos, there's a baseball bat under every seat in my car. Go get them."

"Okay, Mr Pines."

* * *

It was a long walk back to the car, past the town and over a grassy hill. The town, Soos saw as he walked down the boardwalk, looked very different in daylight hours; people populated the once-empty streets, stores were open, and the delicious smell of fresh food wafted from nearby restaurants. It made Soos' stomach growl, but he pushed on.

Soos sighed. Something just didn't feel right about this, but hey, what did he know? The Pineses seemed to know what they were doing.

He reached the car.

After opening it and gathering a baseball team's worth of bats in his hands, he started back. People stared at him as he neared the town, and Soos belatedly realized how weird it must look to be carrying a bunch of baseball bats around. He should think of a cover story!

Soos stopped, and thought. Then he thought some more. Then he thought some more, and it came to him.

He was preparing for the apocalypse! That was the perfect cover story.

"Hey, dude." Soos addressed some of the people who were looking at him. "Just preparing for the apocalypse. Don't worry about me, just preparing for the apocalypse. It's gonna happen again, dawg, I've seen it. Hey, haven't you seen somebody prepare for the end times before? It's totally normal, don't even worry about it."

Soos grinned to himself as he passed them. "Saved it."

He was coming up on that fry shop right at the end of the boardwalk. It smelled so nice, and he was so hungry… you know what? There wasn't even a line. Soos walked up to the stand.

Somebody in a white tank top with bright yellow hair greeted him as he approached. "Good morning, sir! What would you like?"

"Large fries, please!"

"Alright, coming right up!" He turned around. "Ronaldo? Ronaldo! Ugh… one moment, please."

Soos frowned. "Wait… Ronaldo? Does he have a blog? Uh, Keep Beach Town-"

"Keep Beach City Weird. Yes. Yes, he does." He opened a door to the back room. "Ronaldo, are you there? Somebody actually recognized you!" A pause. "He's not here, sorry. Anyway, here's your fries; enjoy your baseball game!"

"Baseball game? It's not- huh. Wait, wait. Aww, dude, that sounds like a way better cover story than the apocalypse!"

"Yep." The kid manning the fry stand rolled his eyes. "You definitely follow my brother's blog."

"Have a nice day, little dude!"

And Soos walked back up the hill.


	8. Chapter 8

_Don't you want to roll in the grass?_

 _Don't you want to roll in the grass?_

 _Don't you want to roll in the grass?_

 _Don't you want to take a bath?_

 _Don't you want to take a bath?_

 _Don't you want to take a bath?_

 _Don't you want to stop and smell the flowers?_

No, Dipper did not want to stop and smell the stupid flowers. He wanted to see his sister, he wanted to go home, and – this was a close third – he wanted to get rid of this stupid Little Voice cooing in his ear every few minutes.

 _Don't you want to stop and smell the flowers?_

Shut. Up.

He was hiding in a tree by the pink door, partly because he didn't want to be noticed by all the other humans in the zoo and partly because, well, he was really hungry and the strange purple apples that grew here were pretty tasty. This was a good hiding space, and all he had to do was watch the door.

Day turned to night, and back to day again, and Dipper only felt a little tired. The days had to be shorter than they were on Earth, right?

 _Don't you want to roll in the grass?_

 _Don't you want to take a bath?_

 _Don't you want to do this, don't you want to do that, don't you want to, don't you want to, don't you want to, DON'T YOU WANT TO_

 _And now it is time to sleep. Good night, everyone._

Dipper slumped back against the bark as the artificial sun set. His ear lobes hurt; he'd spent all day tugging them around, trying to figure out how to take them off, and now they were red and sore. And the door?

It hadn't so much as budged. Dipper yawned; something had to happen soon. It just had to, because he didn't know how long he could sit here, doing nothing, listening to that stupid Routine over and over and over and over…

His eyelids drooped, and before he knew it, he was off in the world of dreams.

 _Good morning, everyone!_

Dipper jumped and nearly fell out of the tree. "Wha- Did I fall asleep?"

 _Stretch your arms and your legs. Today's Routine will begin shortly. Are you ready?_

"No, I can't have fallen asleep!" His eyelids burned; he felt very, very tired as he looked at the door. "Still closed. Ugh, maybe I missed it! Great, just great."

 _Everyone, it is time to roll down the hills! Isn't this fun?_

"Not this again. Please, not this again."

 _Don't you want to roll in the grass?_

Before that moment, Dipper would never have imagined how such a simple sentence could fill him with such an extraordinary amount of rage. He slid off the tree, marched up to the door, and banged on it with all the frustration his noodle arms could muster.

"Open, you stupid thing! Open! Open!" He then gave it a kick. "Oh, come on!"

 _Don't you want to roll in the-_

"No! No, I don't!" Dipper snapped. "Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

His words died away, leaving him alone, only the sounds of the leaves rustling and the water washing and his own heavy breathing remaining. Dipper blinked, coming back to himself somewhat.

His hands were shaking. What was he doing?

"Oh, great." He said to himself, running a hand through his greasy hair. "I'm losing it. I am completely losing it. Come on Dipper, focus! You've got to get out of here! You got to find Mabel!"

 _Don't you want to roll in the grass_?

Dipper's fists clenched, but he breathed deeply. "Just ignore it. Not important. Not-"

A rustle in the bushes nearby.

"Maybe important. Um, hey, if this is one of you zoo humans- zoomans? Zoo-humans?" Dipper rubbed his eyes. "Whatever. Yeah, uh, sorry about the shouting. Don't worry about it. Just go back to rolling in the grass or whatever it is you-."

That was when a hand reached out and grabbed his ankle. Dipper yelped and tried to run away, but the hand only tightened its grip. A voice came from within the bushes.

"You… You're… new!"

Dipper didn't know what else to say other than a timid, "Yes?"

"You're new! You're new! You're…" The voice started to laugh. "I-I can't believe it! You're new!"

They released his ankle, and Dipper backed away as the voice emerged from behind the bushes. It was a man, dressed in a stained, ragged version of the Zoo's clothing. His beard was unkempt, thin and straggly, and his hair was wild and matted. All this was unnerving enough, but what drew Dipper's eye the most were his ears: he wasn't wearing the earrings that transmitted the Little Voice. In their places were strips of white cloth, likely torn from his clothing, stained a dark, dirty red.

 _Lay down on the grass, everybody! Stretch your arms up to the sky!_

Dipper touched his own ears and cringed.

"I'm Lars." The man wiped his hand on his once-blue vest and stuck it out towards him. Dipper didn't shake it. "Lars, Laramie Carpenter. Are you, are you – haha! – I'm sorry, I just… I've been here for weeks, and the only people with me are these smiley zoo people! They're so uncanny! 'Hi, Lars, we love the Zoo!' 'Hi Lars, can we braid your hair!' Hi, Lars, hi Lars, hi Lars all the time, and I can't stand it! I feel like I'm going crazy!"

"Hey, don't worry about it, man." Dipper stepped back. "Take your time."

"Oh my god, you actually sound like a real person too. I can't believe it! I- what's your name?"

"Dipper?"

"Dipper? Huh, never heard of someone called Dipper."The man looked down at him, and his wild eyes softened somewhat. "Aww, jeez, you remind me of my niece. She's seven, I miss her so much. How old are you?"

"I'm thirteen, actually."

"Aww, you poor kid."

"I'm technically a teenager-"

"That's just not fair, taking a little kid like you. You must be scared outta your mind." He rubbed his bleary eyes. "I tell you want, we stick together, and I'll… I'll try and get you out. I don't know how – I've driven myself half crazy trying to find something, anything – but… man, it's just not fair. You're just a kid."

 _Don't you want to lay down on the grass?_

Dipper rolled his eyes, both at the man and the message. "Okay, well, I've been trying to see if this door would open."

"Don't waste your time, little buddy. That thing hasn't opened once the whole time I've been here; I feel like those aliens just put it there to screw with us." His eye twitched. "It's working."

"Really?" Dipper felt a sinking feeling in his chest. "And you've been here for weeks…"

"But hey, don't worry! Everything's fine, little buddy." He slung a heavy arm around Dipper's shoulder, and the stench of BO hit him like a truck. Dear god. "Hey, why don't I show you my treehouse? I built it myself! You like treehouses, little buddy? Come on!"

Dipper took one long look at the pink door. The only exit, the only way out, the only hope he had of reaching Mabel… if it would only open.

 _And now, it is time to eat! Come to the forest!_

But it wouldn't open, and if he kept waiting, he was going to lose his mind. Dipper sighed and looked away.

"Alright. But, uh, I'll follow behind you, man." He slipped away from Laramie's arm. "Far behind you."


	9. Chapter 9

Sadie Byers considered herself very mature for her age. Nobody else in her grade got trusted to be home alone! No, she was smart, and mature, and when the little blue girl tried to make her open the front door she remembered stranger danger and kept it shut. She did everything right.

But… if she did everything right, then how come the big yellow person was able to barge in and take her anyway? Maybe she didn't do everything right. Maybe she did something wrong, and this was her punishment for not listening. Oh, when was her punishment going to end? When could she go home? It seemed like it was going on forever! It wasn't fair!

Sadie Byers considered herself very mature for her age. But that night, she curled up on the pink floor and cried for her mummy.

* * *

"Pah. Look at it." Holly Blue stabbed her finger at the small human in the medical cell. "What's wrong with these new humans? We're satisfying all of their needs, but they don't follow the routine, they don't interact with others of their species, they don't do anything! Disgraceful. They're in no shape to present to Blue Diamond. Amethysts, what's wrong with them?"

The Amethysts shrugged and shook their heads. 8XJ, finding herself near the front of the crowd, piped up.

"We don't know, Holly Blue. We-"

Holly struck her cheek with the back of her hand. "Don't lie to me! This, this is sabotage. Ever since those… _visitors_ came, the whole cut of you has been conspiring to make me look bad! No wonder Aquamarine refused to speak to me; with off coloured Earthlings like you on this station, I'm more surprised she lowered herself to come here at all! Deactivating these humans, popping Rose Quartz bubbles-"

"Holly, we didn't do that-"

"-Arguing with their commanding Agate! This can't go on. Amethysts, if I find one more inactive human in this ward before Blue Diamond arrives, I will have you replaced. All of you. That will be all."

"But-"

"That will be all. Return to your post, 8XJ."

8XJ sighed, then saluted Holly Blue before filtering off with the other Amethysts. They all split off down hallways in little groups, whispering in hushed, worried tones.

8XJ walked alone. She cast a million little glances over her shoulder as she took a turn that was not in the direction of her post.

8XJ reached a door. A pink door, with a lock Amethysts were not allowed to use.

8XJ knocked.

"Tiny Mabel?" 8XJ whispered. "Are you there?"

There was no answer. 8XL sighed.

"I know you're in there, Tiny Mabel. And look, if you don't wanna come out, don't come out. That's fine. Just, please, don't pop any more of those bubbles, okay?"

8XL waited for a reply, a noise, anything that would indicate the human inside was listening.

8XL heard nothing, nothing at all. She clenched her fists.

"Fine. Do what you want, human. But I'm not coming back here anymore – it's too risky. Find your own way out."

And 8XL turned on her heel and left. She cast one last glance over her shoulder before turning down another corridor, and heading back to her post.

And the pink door stood silent. Closed.

* * *

Dipper had to admit… the treehouse was pretty cool. It was little more than a pile of branches bundled up between two thick limbs, but it was more than big enough for the two of them and high up enough that they could see most of the Zoo. Considering the resources Laramie had available at the time, it was impressive.

"So?" Laramie leaned forwards. "What do you think, little buddy?"

"It's, um, nice." Dipper cracked a smile. "So are you like your last name?"

"Huh?"

"Carpenter? Because, you, um, built a treehouse, and your last name is Carpenter, and I was trying to ask if you're like your last name… nevermind. I like the treehouse."

Laramie paused for a second, a blank expression on his face. Then he blinked. "Ooooh! I get it now! No, I'm not a carpenter, I'm a security guard. Worked at that place for a whole six months before I got taken here."

"Huh. So how did you get taken?"

"I was on duty by a gate when this little girl comes up to me and starts rattling off a list of names-"

"Was she blue?"

"Yeah, she was real blue." He pointed to his cheek. "Had a teardrop right here."

"Aquamarine."

"Yeah, blue, aquamarine, whatever you wanna call it. So I hear my name, and I'm like, 'yeah, that's me', and she's like, 'You're a Lars?' and I'm like, 'Yeah dude, I know what my name is." Lars made a face. "And then she got kinda angry with me, we shouted a bit and then this huuuge – I think the lady called her Topaz – came lumbering up, and, ah, well, I knew I'd lost at that point. I still punched her in the face though."

Dipper cringed. "Yeesh… how'd that go over?"

"She did not even blink, little buddy. It was nuts." He cupped his hand over his wrist. "She caught my fist and dragged me kicking and screaming into the nearby cornfield, where her weird spaceship was waiting to take me off to wherever this place is. And that's where I've been ever since! Here. All alone." His eye twitched. "In my treehouse."

Dipper frowned. "Wait, you were the cornfield guy. I-I read about you!"

"They did a story about me?"

"Yeah, in my magazine. It's about paranormal stuff, and-"

"I'm famous!"

"Well, it's a little niche-"

Laramie punched the air. "I'm famous! Oh, that's awesome! I thought that time I photobombed a news reporter at a football game was my fifteen minutes of fame, but apparently I've got thirty minutes! Hell yeah!"

"Yeah, man. You're famous. Good for you."

 _Everyone, come to the lake! It is time to take a bath!_

Dipper rolled his eyes. He heard a rustling in the bushes, one of the Zoo humans making their way towards them, a big smile on his face.

"Depper! Lars of sorts! It is so nice to see you! Where have you-"

"Oh, no, no, no." Laramie stood up and pointed down at them. "You stay away from my little buddy, with your creepy grin and happy happy rainbow voice! Go on, get out! Shoo!"

The Zooman tilted his head to the side. "I do not understand what you are saying, Lars of sorts."

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you all say. Get out of here!"

"I know how you are feeling! You are nervous!" He stretched his arms out. "Would you like a hug?"

Laramie clenched his fists. He picked up twigs and started chucking them at the Zooman, who stood there passively. "Get out! Get out! Get away from me, I don't want to see you, I don't want to hug you, I don't want to take a bath with you just get out and leave me alone, you awful awful-!"

"Whoa, whoa!" Dipper caught his arm. "Easy, there, big guy. It's okay."  
The Zooman smiled. "That was a fun game! Would you still like a friendly-"

"No! No, thank you, he doesn't want a hug. Hey, why don't you go off to the lake? We'll, uh, meet you there."

 _Don't you want to wash off in the lake?_

"See? That's what the Little Voice wants you to do so, uh, go do it, man."

The Zooman nodded. "Yes, I will go to the lake like the Little Voice says! Meet you there, Depper, Lars of sorts!"

Then the Zooman turned and ran off into the forest, leaving Dipper and Laramie alone. Dipper turned to Laramie, his eyebrows raised in concern.

"Hey man, are you okay?"

Laramie took a few deep breaths before he responded. "I'm fine… I'm fine. You know, I-I've spent so long with nothing but these guys and the Little Voice, the Little Voice all day long in my ear telling me don't I want to do this and don't I want to do that… I just… I can't handle it." He looked up at Dipper. "I'm sorry, little buddy. I tried, so hard, but I don't know how I'm going to get us out of here. I'm not a smart guy, I don't know what any of this means. I don't know what I'm supposed to do here! I just… I want to go home. Take a shower. Sleep in something that's not a treehouse."

"Me too. We'll figure something out." Dipper thought for a moment. "In fact, why don't we go back to all the places you tried?"

"Do you really think you'll find something?"

Dipper had never been all that great at cheering people up. He wasn't a people person; Mabel was. But when Laramie stared up at him, tears streaking down his face from missing his home, he knew he had to get out of his comfort zone.

"We'll find something." He gingerly patted Laramie's shoulder. "I mean, we've got to get out of here, right?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, but how? We're in a human zoo guarded by super powerful aliens, floating who knows where in space. Even if we wanted to escape, how're we gonna do that?"

"Well… we'll… uh... I mean, first, we've got to look around-"

"And I've done that, over and over and over." He sank back against the trunk of the tree, staring off into space. "Face it, little buddy. We're stuck here. What can we do against aliens who invented actual space travel? We're just animals to them… animals who get put in a zoo and gawked at. Our lives, our friends, our family… we're never gonna see them again." He put his head in his hands. "Oh my god."

Dipper just stared at the ragged man, wanting so bad to have some plan, some evidence – even just a scrap – that'd prove him wrong, make his little speech stop making so much sense.

"My sister Mabel came with me," He blurted out. "And she isn't in the zoo. Maybe… maybe she somehow found a way?"

Laramie didn't speak, didn't lift his head up, didn't react at all. Dipper clenched his fists.

"Well, I think she did. There's got to be a way out of here! There's just got to be. And if there's a way out, I'm going to find it." He walked to the edge. "I'm going to check the door again."

Dipper scrambled down the tree, and landed with a stumble. After brushing himself off, he turned and headed back in the way of the pink door. He was well on his way when he heard a "Wait!" from behind.

He turned to see Laramie running to catch up. "Wait a sec, little buddy," He panted. "I'm coming with you."

Dipper raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? You seemed pretty sure that this was hopeless."

"Um…" His cheeks reddened. "I mean, look. I-I didn't want to stay up there, all alone."

"Okay. Let's go, then."

"Thanks, little buddy! And hey, maybe, maybe you will find something, huh? A fresh pair of eyes can't hurt!"

Dipper rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

* * *

Another night in Beach City. The moon shone down on the little house built into the rock, revealing a figure leaning against the balcony.

"Is this the alien you saw yesterday, Soos?"

"Yes, Mr Pines."

"Good. This appears to be a routine for them." Ford put away his binoculars, and scooted back from the edge. His face was shrouded in darkness as he pulled out something from his coat and began to tinker with it. "We'll have to be prepared. We only get one shot at this."

Stan drew out his bat. "Oh, don't worry. I'm prepared all right. Are you?"

Ford pressed a button on what was in his hands. A whirring noise started up, and then electricity arced up and back around, bright yellow and crackling. Soos shielded his eyes. Stan grinned.

"Fancy. What is that, a taser?"

"Something similar to a taser, yes. I'm testing out a concept; if it works the way I think it will, we'll have a much easier time capturing the alien."

"Sounds good to me!"

Soos eyed the taser nervously as Ford pocketed it. "It looks kinda dangerous, Mr Pines. What if it doesn't work?"

"It'll still hurt, I'm sure." He rose to his feet. "That's all we need."

"I hope it hurts. Suckers deserve it for taking Dipper and Mabel. Now come on, let's go get that alien!"

"Shh, Stanley!"

"Sorry. Let's go get that alien. Grab a bat, Soos."

Soos gingerly picked up a bat, and followed them as they started the long trip down the hill. The moon illuminated them the whole way; once they were on the beach, they stuck to the shadows by the cliff face.

"We're getting close now." Ford said in hushed tones. "Everybody must be absolutely silent, Soos."

"Heh, good one, Mr-"

"Shh!"

"Sorry."

Soos was aware of every breath he took, every step he made in the sand as the beach house came into view. All the lights were off, and they were below the alien on the balcony, but one noise could alert the whole group to their presence. Soos did not want that – he'd watched the tape with the yellow alien enough times.

But there was also something about this alien, something much less threatening. What was she staring at? The stars?

Somebody jerked his arm. Stan led him towards a rope ladder Ford had secured around one of the legs of the house, directly under the alien. Ford motioned him to climb, and he did.

His foot slipped on one of the rungs, but he recovered. Ford dragged him up the last few and placed him to the side. Soos looked up while they waited for Stanley, but he could see only darkness.

Ford tapped on his arm. He pointed up, and Stan nodded. They looked towards him, and he nodded too.

Silently, they made their way toward the edge, towards the balcony. Soos could see two arms from where he was standing, hands relaxed and drooping downwards. They almost looked a little green, though it was hard to see in the moonlight.

Stan passed Ford a rope, and he inched a little closer to the edge. He breathed in, and he breathed out.

Then he surged upwards and wrapped the end of the rope around the alien's hanging wrists.

"Hey, what-" Soos could hear before Stan and Ford pulled downwards. The alien cried out as it was dragged off the balcony and below the house. "Who are you? Let me go! Let me go, you cl-"

Stan clapped a hand around the alien's mouth. It wriggled and fought against the restraints, legs kicking wildly. "Help me, Soos! Hold it down!"

Soos caught one of her legs. The alien's head jerked up, and she glared at him before aiming kicks in his direction.

"Ow!" Stan retracted his hand. "Sonuva- it bit me!"

"Help! Help! Steven!"

"Do it now, Ford!"

Ford drew the taser from his coat.

"Steven! Amethyst! Gar-"

And jabbed it into her side. There was a great poof of air, and Soos coughed and waved away the dust clouds that it had stirred up.

It was then that he realized he wasn't holding a leg anymore. And when the clouds cleared, he could see the alien had disappeared entirely.

A cold lump formed at the pit of Soos' stomach. "Oh, no, dudes. We killed her!"

"No, we didn't." With a little grin, Ford picked something up from the ground. "My theory was true. They're holograms."

"What do you mean?"

"Save the questions, Soos." Stan hissed. "A light just went on in the house. We gotta run."

"Where?"

"This way!" Stan raced down the rope ladder and started running down the beach, Ford close behind him. Soos tried his best to catch up.

"Soos, run faster!"

"I'm trying!"

"Peridot?" They heard a voice from the house, and Stan swore under his breath. They were in sight of the town now, just a little farther…

"Peridot? Where are you? Peridot!"

"Where do we go, dudes?"

"Uh… in here!" Stan led them behind some sort of doughnut shop. He picked the lock, opened the door- and immediately ushered them out. "Nevermind, burglar alarm. Get out, get out."

"Peridot!" The voice was getting closer, louder. Stan hesitated for a moment, then pointed at the dumpster nearby.

"There. There's our hiding spot. Go!"

Stan hoisted open the lid, and Ford jumped inside. Soos made a face.

"That really stinks, dude-"

"Go!"

Soos climbed inside. Stan followed, and eased the lid closed. It was pitch black; Ford turned on a flashlight.

They were all here. They were all safe. Stan began to grin.

"Sheesh, it really does stink in here."

Maybe it was the adrenaline dying off, but they all found that very funny. Soos held his nose and giggled along.

"Yeah, dudes, I really thought we were done for after we got the alien." He paused. "Where is the alien, anyway?"

"Right here." Ford opened his hand, revealing a bright green gemstone that shone brilliantly in the light.

"Jeez," Stan's eyes widened. "Thing's the size of your palm. How much d'you think it'd go for?"

"It's not a regular gemstone, Stanley."

"I know. Just speaking hypothetically." He carefully took it from Ford. "So this is our alien, huh?"

"Yes. They're clearly some sort of light projection from this gemstone, which is what I originally thought when I saw the security tapes."

"So, what do we do with it?"

"I'm guessing at some point, it'll form a new projection. We just have to get it to a secure location and wait until then."

"Alright." Stan sat back, staring at the green gemstone. "You just wait, little guy. You're gonna tell us where Dipper and Mabel are, whether you like it or not."


End file.
